This is Caleb's first paper for this school year. He was to describe what it was like to build a pyramid. He would like to know how he could improve his paper. Please feel free to leave comments in the comment box below.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Working on the Pyramid
I’m a successful wheat farmer working on a pyramid for my beloved Pharaoh in Ancient Egypt. Caleb-Ra is my name and I am twenty years old. You might ask why would a farmer be working on a pyramid. It is the time of year for the inundation. Inundation is the time of year when the Nile floods, therefore my wheat fields are flooded. I will describe for you my experience working on the pyramid.
Around me are my neighbors and friends. We are working hard and the sun is beating down on us. Beads of perspiration run down my face. The salty sweat burns as it rolls into my eyes. The work of pulling the heavy stones is hard and has bruised and battered my body. The rope used for pulling the stones has cut into my skin ripping it open. Now my hands burn like fire.
The blocks used for building the pyramid are large and heavy. Using a sledge the blocks are brought to the level they need to be at. The sledges are large and as the blocks roll over them they creek and groan. When the stones are placed they make a loud thud. We then hurry back down the pyramid and the process begins again.
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2 comments:
I really like all your desciptive words! It really helps the idea of what it's like to build a pyramid come to life!
Caleb,
I love some of your descriptions here-
"salty sweat burns"
"bruised and battered"
"creak and groan"
"large and heavy"
"loud thud"
-are all wonderful. I also like your simile "my hands burn like fire."
A few minor fixes to make:
You might ask, "Why would a farmer be working on a pyramid?"
or just simply say,
...twenty years old. Why would a farmer be working on a pyramid? Because it is the time of year for the inundation, when the Nile floods my wheat fields.
or another option:
You might ask why a farmer would be working on a pyramid.
with that option the quotes and question mark are not needed.
You might also make a clear connection with why flooded fields leave a farmer available to work the pyramid. Just a simple addition like
...when the Nile floods, therefore my wheat fields are flooded, leaving me unable to work.
Also, place a comma after
Using a sledge, the blocks are brought to the level they need to be at.
This sentence is a bit awkward because it ends with a "dangling preposition." It isn't always easy and sometimes it is allowed, but generally try not to end with a preposition like "at." You can fix it by rearranging the sentence or re-writing it.
This is very good work, Caleb! We just studied about the Egyptian pyramids, but I learned some things reading your paper! I look forward to reading your work as the year progresses!
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